Thursday, May 26, 2011

. May 25. 2011

Good Morning.  Yesterday was really dark for me. I am fighting depression. Depression is a dark monster that works and wears a person down to a nub. It's uglyness just grinds and grinds away at me and after a while I have to give in and let it take over for a little while before I can give it yet another fight. Fight it I must. It will not win. The worry over Jerry not being able to find a job, the stress of saving money so we can move out of here when he does get a job call, and waiting for the phone to ring, and the lack of that call coming in was just too much yesterday.  Even trying to sleep away the heat of the afternoon didn't help me out any. I am only a little better this early morning, (5:30) I can no longer sleep without getting that awful sleep headach so I am up, but trying to be very quiet since Jerry is still asleep, and the dogs are sleeping with him. The cats want out, I don't blame them none, but they can stay in for a little while longer.
Yesterday, I finally took my Osenburg material and made a light curtain for go in the kitchen/bedroom doorway. I just wanted to divid the camper a bit and give a bit of personal space for going to the bathroom or changing clothes. I know Jerry doesn't mean to watch but he does every time I would go to the back no matter what it was I was back there for. It's like being a mommmy again with a toddler who will not let you of out sight, ever.  The hem is a bit slanted or maybe it's the top that's not straight but since it's just the two of us in here, I am not going to pick it out and do it again.  The cat's have already discovered it and climbed up it, played with each other through it and one has even grabbed onto the bottom and used it as a swing. At least I know my stiching will hold.  The rest of the material, I'll turn into an apron for me, I think.  Don't know if I'll do any fancy work on it or not. Depends on how I'm feeling after I get the ties done and the bottom hemmed up.  I don't have any bias tape, at least I don't think I do. I may wait until after the mail runs before starting, and if Jerry's check card gets here, just buy some biased tape, as it's under $2.00 for enough to go around me. If I get two packets of the tape I can make it like the 1790's aprons and go around me, back to the front and tie it. I may do just that. So much easier to untie when it's in front than in back.  I've been thinking of picking up some Yellow check as well. to make another 1790's apron or Fecheu with. I don't look good in yellow, but a little is not too bad, as long as I pair it up with a brigher color.
 

Outside my door ... Yesterday, was hot, and humid. Today is going to be much the same only with even more humidity. I can't tell if it's the windows are covered with moisture inside or if it's all outside. Maybe it's both.  I really, really need to walk the dogs a couple of times today and get outside for a while, even in the heat.
 
The Dogs ... Are really enjoying Jerry being home all the time. They rather he walk them than me. He takes longer and lets them get away with more than I do. I will not let them pull me around. Just cause they may want to go to an area does not mean I want them in that area and will not let them change my mind for me.  Macon loves to roll in the grass and will pull Jerry to what ever patch it is that has some scent he enjoys while he rolls.  Of course, they also enjoy Marty comeing outside and talking to both them and who ever is walking them. They love to show off and play fight while the People are talking. After a bit, they get bored with that and then try to get more attentions. Macon is fast learning that barking while I'm talking isn't going to get him the attention he is seeking.
 
The Cats ... Well, are cats. With the new curtain they have invented a new game to play. Shadow boxing, with one one each side of the curtain. They can see the other's shadow but not tell how close the other cat is to the curtain and will box at any movement. The high-tail chase when they do discover that their opponent is just on the otherside.Jumping on the beds and then across, then back to the bathroom counter, then back onto a bed. down on the floor, under the cortain to the couch, a quick stop, turn and dash back under the curtain... or into it. This can go on for about a half an hour before they are worn out and all lay down and fall asleep. Yesterday, all but one of the animals were sleeping in the floor at our feet. Tupelo (cat) is very stand-offish and stayed on my bed to sleep. She will tollerate our petting her but does not seek it like the other three cats do. Smokey is the adventurer of the four. He will start trouble just to start it. Fuzzybutt is the attention seeker. She will climb up into Jerry's arms while he's playing games on his laptop and just stay there for as long as he'll allow her to. Strips is the inquisitive one. No box or bag is safe from being explored by him. He's got to see what's inside. Fuzzybut will join him in looking into things. The other day, I had left the door to under the sink open for a bit while I needed to put a new bag in the trash can. I didn't realize one of the cats had getting in while I had the door open. she was in there for over an hour while I was looking for her. Finally, one of the other cats, nosed at the door and she meowed, letting me know she wanted out. I guess she had looked into every nook and cranny before she got bored with being in the dark under the sink. when I opened the door, Striped tried to go in while Fuzzybutt came out. If you were to look out our back window, you would see miles of forest. Pine trees mostly but there are other trees as well. oaks and elms are back there. Lots of scrub brush, so thick that it's impossible to see the ground. It's a birds' paradis back there and each morning we wake up to lots of birds singing their morning songs. I hear a Bobwhite or quail almost every morning. We have lots of bats here at night. I love wathing them dive after the bugs around the lights. I've seen a few hawks circling around and around so somewhere there may be an open space for them to hunt.  And I've also heard a couple of Owls at night, as well. I have seen a few blue jays but mostly notice the cardanels playing near the edges of the woods out back. There are some wild Raspberry's and each time I think I'm going to be able to pick a cup of them for my breakfast, the birds have already eaten them before I get out there to get them. I dont mind the birds eating them since I can always buy fresh, clean fruit at a store. It's not like I had planted the bushes and expected a crop from them.
 
From the kitchen... Tonight will be chicken. It's been down out of the freezer for three days, it's thawed and ready to maranate. I'll mix some dry dressing into some flour to coat the meat before I grill it this evening.  I might crush some crackers instead of using flour, for some extra crunch. Not sure just yet. it's been a while since we fixed any rice and so may have rice for our starch. Jerry gets tired of rice very quickly if I have it more than just once a week.
 
I am hearing... A few birds are singing. The air conditioner, and one of the cats insists it's time for them to get out of the kennels for the morning. Not yet.. not just yet. Let Jerry sleep a  bit longer. If I let them out now, at least one will wake him up. I'm also hearing the traffic on the road that isn't too far away from the front of the camper. 43 is a very busy road, at times.
 
I am wearing... right now (6:15) a long blue knit dress. I've had this dress a long, long time and it's very stained up. It's very comfortable though and since I only wear it when I get up or right after a bath as a cover-up, it will do.  I am thinking of looking on-line to see if I can find a couple more ust like it. I've had it for over 6 years now and know it's time to replace it with another long dress that covers me so well. Later, after Jerry wakes up, I'll change into some sweatpants that I've cut into shorts and a white t-shirt top. Already I have stained three of them. But they are just for wearing around the camper and not something I expect to go to town in, so I'm not too sad they already show stains on them. I do wash them with Bleach but that does not get rid of all the stains. I have my hair up in a bun and really do need to take it down and brush it out. All my life I have hated to brush my hair. It's so very curly and just twists into tangles all the time. Even when I braid it, there are tangles to deal with when I brush it out again. I am considering getting it cut again.
 
I am reading... emails. I need to catch up with them today.
 

1 comment:

Mike and Caroline said...

Dear Billie
I am very sorry to hear of your depression. Good girl for fighting it, but my dear friend, you have JESUS and He says to cast your care upon Him. He won't take it unless you give it to HIM!! I pray God helps you and Jerry get the job which is right and you can move into the next step!
love caroline