I've been contemplating

What is the difference between Respect and Honor. How do I Honor a man who didn't even want me? What is Honor?

Can I really live with myself if I can't keep Honor of my father? It's a bibical thing, to say the least

Exodus 20:12 : "Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee,"

But how? For a man who was not in my life, who didn't recpect that I was his daughter and wanted more than I was willing to give. Even offed to trade the one thing he knew I had always wanted in my life for "that". Who in later years, contiuned to ask, knowing I would still say no. A man who did not even reconize me when I knocked at his door. Sure I had put on some weight, but not that much ( I think) but that didn't happen only once, but twice. Andhe, in the end, chose to leave at least one more hurt. Or at least in his eyes it was a hurt.He had always told me he was not going to leave me anything in his will, it's the one thing he didn't lye about. I don't want to "Hate" him, I don't feel anything for him. but I don't know if I can honor him any more either.

April 29, 2010

Morning. Well it's morning here anyways. I've a couple of cups of Pinto beans soaking in some water, I'll be putting them in a crockpot soon. Growing up in Colorado had it's advantages and dis-advantages. It was easy for Mom to buy pinto beans by the 25 pound bag. We ate beans for a month. She had just changed jobs and it was going to be over a month before she got that first paycheck. Times were tough for us, but you know. I think we handled it well. We never felt like we were deprived on anything. Mom was always there for us, worked a full time job, and had to deal with a lot of junk besides. I'm sure being a single Mom of three in the 1960's was no picnic for her at all. She was both Mom and Dad to us. Could love us and yet spank us as needed. and spanking was needed often between all three of us.

I get "getting to know you" surveys often.. and very often one of the questions is "what was your favorite toy as a child". I really don't consider a bike a toy. But it was my favorite thing to own at the time. It took me an extra amount of time to learn to ride. Seems my brother's both learned to balance in just a couple of days, it took me weeks to get it right. I have to wonder if that had anything to do with all the earachs I had as a toddler and younger kid. Three or four a year at times. But it was the Freedom it gave me that I treasure most. I still can see some of the roads and trails I rode that bike on, in my memories. The steep hill with the curve at the bottom of it, the rocky trail back of town were all the kids rode, avoiding the catus patches while we were at it. And yes, a few falls onto the gravel as well.

When I grew up, I tried to give my own kids the kind of freedom that I had as a kid, within reason and safety, that is. Mom once told me she thought she could have done better. I told her, I had the best childhood a girl couldask for. Sure we moved a lot, but since I was a bit of a loner that didn't bother me much. Each place was better than the last in one way or another. We had pets, except at one place. Had plenty of food, never knew how hard it was for Mom sometimes to be sure we had so much to eat each day, put on the table. had clean clothes. I learned how to do laundry young. I was doing all the laundry by time time I was 8, in a wringer washer in the bathroom. And yes, I got my hair caught once and my fingers too many times to count. Shocked a time or two as well from it not being grounded properly. We each had chores to do, before leaving the house for the day. Wether it was school in winter or for summer break. Mom limited how much tv we watched as kids. Looking back, I'm glade she did that. although I now have the tv on from the time I get up until a few mintues before going to bed. Mostly it's the noise I want and not the sitting and watching. A radio just doesn't do it for me.

Mother's day is just around the corner. I miss my Mom and wish I could tell her one more time, what a great person she made me into.

April 28, 2010

April 28, 2010

Today was a nice weather day. Not hot, not cold, blue skies and a slight breeze. The dogs have been doing well. Not getting into too much trouble. Walking well and not barking at just anything that moves. All in all that is great. Jerry is still job hunting. I can still hope he'll find a job soon. Things seem to be waking up in the contruction world. There were a few posts to the KBR job site that he's applied for as well as looking on line at other construction company's. Working for Ready Labor is iffy at best. He worked two jobs, one was nights and the other was days but both have ended and right now there doesn't look like another job will be open through them. Georgia is lagging on the un-employment and Jerry's got to deal with that tomorrow as well as job hunting.

This is one of those times that I really regret not having a job skill I can rely on. No training in anything and no way to get any training either.

I am doing well, though. still able to get up and walk, able to take care of Jerry and our dogs, and still breathing.

My brother sent me a copy of our father's will. really, it wsn't that much of a surprise. I'm a bit dissapointed in what I read, but he really wasn't a Dad. He was the man who provided the sperm that caused my birth, but he had very, very little to do with my growing up.. He didn't come to my wedding even though he was in town that day. I did ask him to give me away and got a hemming and hawing story about if he's in town he might be able to do it. So I told him, I'd just have my older brother walk me instead. I did tell him when he because a Grand-father. three times over. He came to visit only when I was in the KC area, even though he drove a truck throughout the country and admited that he had come through an area we lived in fairly often for a while. Just never wanted to stop and say "hi". I guess.

I only tried to ask him for some money one time. When Jerry's father died, he needed to get to South Carolina from Missouri. Dad wasn't home at the time, so we found a different way to get him there. I got a call from Dad, a couple of months later, asking what I had wanted. that he had just found the note out in the yard. So really I never did ask him for any money, just thought about it, once. There were a couple of times, he didn't even reconize me. The first time, I know I had gained a lot of weight, but still. it had only been three years since I had seen him, before. The second time, I reconized him even after he lost weight and was eating at a buffet style place. But he didn't really know it was "ME" until a woman at the table asked him why I kept looking their way. He said, I think it's my daughter, but I'm not sure. I know he had trouble with his eyes. He came to our table after his friends left and we talked for a bit. Beth was around 14 at the time.

I was 14 when I found out I had a living father. I never asked and Mom never said anything about my father. I got to meet him for a while, then. Then we moved back to Colorado but moved back to Missouri again just a year or so later and I tried again to get to know my father, back then.

It's sad that he thought so little of me. but you know. I am not going to let it get me down. It was the way he always was. It doesn't make me a different person than the person I was yesterday before I read his will and it won't make a change to my life now that I know what was or wasn't in his will. His loss. is not my gain, and I didn't lose anything either way.

For Today... April 21, 2010

For Today... April 21, 2010

After Jerry left for work, I went back to bed until just before 8 am.

got up, took my meds and ate cereal for breakfast.

changed my clothes

cleaned up the bthroom, made both bed.

picked up in the living room

took the dogs for a long walk, Rocky has a bit of the runs.

Outside my window... (10 am) The skies are partly cloudy and it's warming up nicely, now. It was a bit on the cool side when we got up this morning. I went back to bed, after Jerry left for the day. Got back up right before 8 am.

I am thankful for... having a great place to stay. I only paid our lot rent yesterday evening. I was not charged a late fee. The people managing know our situation and are working with us. He said he knew we were good for it. When Jerry first knew we wouldn't have it at the first of the month, he told them so, and they said to just pay it when we could. What a blessing. A few days ago, the manager was at the lot next door and Jerry helped him pick up and clean up from where the last person there, left a huge mess.

From the kitchen... lunch, sandwich and chips Dinner is Chicken, added to Pasta on the side (chicken flavored) in order to make Chicken Alfredo, salad and Peas

I am wearing... dark grey sweats and my wild and free tshirt.

I am reading... emails

I am hoping... that Jerry gets a call to go to a construction job.

I am creating... a cleaner house. I still have to do the dishes and vacume the floors but the rest is done.

I am hearing... Y&R on the T.V.

Around the house... picking up, wipeing up and putting away. dishes, clothes and stuff.


A few plans for the rest of the week... Keeping the camper clean, walking the dogs, taking care of Jerry.

For Today... April 18, 2010

For Today... April 18, 2010

For most of last week, I was talking that Jerry was going to work the "A" game here in town. It didn't happen. Oh. the game was played, don't get me wrong. Jerry was sent to clean out apartments that are being built instead. Which pays the same. He was glade he did that instead of the game.. found out, everyone had to walk 7 to 10 blocks to the stadium, work the day, then walk back to the office. That just isn't right. Even with bad parking, the Ready labor has a couple of passanger vans and coule had driven everyone in.

And the job in Columbia MS is not going to happen either. And Jerry got mad and the man in the office got mad. (Being nice here, the word is much stronger) Up Front, Jerry told the man at Ready Labor he WAS NOT going to work NIGHT shift in MS. Told him more than once, last week when talking about that job that he was NOT going to work night shift. When Jerry got off the job yesterday, he was told he "Was Going To Work Night Shift". Jerry told him, no, he wasn't. The man said he was and Jerry insisted that he wasn't.. and from sounds of things this man thought he could force Jerry to take a job he had already told the man he didn't want to do. It's going to take two hours from the office to get into the plant.. work 12 hours, take two more hours from the plant back to the office.. total of 16 hours. No travel pay on this, because it's paying 10 an hour to clean out 7 story tanks. be grinding on the inside... and not knowing just what was stored in the tanks. Jerry told the man, He was not going to work on a night shift that far from "home". I'm guessing sparks flew a bit. There were about 40 people waiting for their checks when all this happened. Jerry told the man flat up. You can't force me to work a job I don't want to do. I don't "Have" to work here. He made his point. This man is fairly new to this office and is throwing his weight around a bit. Jerry throws back. The one great thing is, Every job Jerry has gone out on for these people. The people who he worked for, asks that he be sent back to work another day. Since we know Ready Labor is charging more than 2 to 3 times what they are paying the ones doing the work, they are making money hand over fist and then some.

Outside my window... The sky is blue. It's not as hot as it was yesterday and is still very pleasant outside. I'll be outside with the dogs in a little bit.It's nice and breezy.

I am thinking... Jerry is working, but it's not the job he loves. He's happier in that he's making some money but I know that he's also worried.

I am thankful for... Jerry working. It's keeping us going. I'm having some time for just meand that makes it easier to take care of him, as well

From the kitchen... Not sure yet. We have fresh hamburger that I need to divid into smaller batches, we had hot dogs last night.

We had half pound patties, some potatoe chips and salad. I fixed some vanilla pudding for dessert as well.

I am wearing... brown sweat pants and a teal colorer top

I am reading... recipe emails/

I am hoping... Besides Jerry getting back to his usual work, That Beth is feeling much better.

I am creating... nothing at tims time

I am hearing... I have the tv on, dont know what the show it.

Around the house... need to make the beds and do the dishes. Not much else needs doing today.

A few plans for the rest of the week... I have got to do the laundry soon. There is now too much to take and do in one day at the office so I guess I'll have to take it to a laundry mat to get it all done.

The "A" game job.

　

For most of last week, I was writing about how Jerry was going to work the "A" game here in town. It didn't happen. Oh. the game was played, don't get me wrong. Jerry was sent to clean out apartments that are being built instead. Which pays the same. He was glade he did that instead of the game.. found out, everyone had to walk 7 to 10 blocks to the stadium, work the day, then walk back to the office. That just isn't right. Even with bad parking, the Ready labor has a couple of passanger vans and coule had driven everyone in.

And the job in Columbia MS is not going to happen either. And Jerry got mad and the man in the office got mad. (Being nice here, the word is much stronger) Up Front, Jerry told the man at Ready Labor he WAS NOT going to work NIGHT shift in MS. Told him more than once, last week when talking about that job that he was NOT going to work night shift. When Jerry got off the job yesterday, he was told he "Was Going To Work Night Shift". Jerry told him, no, he wasn't. The man said he was and Jerry insisted that he wasn't.. and from sounds of things this man thought he could force Jerry to take a job he had already told the man he didn't want to do. It's going to take two hours from the office to get into the plant.. work 12 hours, take two more hours from the plant back to the office.. total of 16 hours. No travel pay on this, because it's paying 10 an hour to clean out 7 story tanks. be grinding on the inside... and not knowing just what was stored in the tanks. Jerry told the man, He was not going to work on a night shift that far from "home". I'm guessing sparks flew a bit. There were about 40 people waiting for their checks when all this happened. Jerry told the man flat up. You can't force me to work a job I don't want to do. I don't "Have" to work here. He made his point. This man is fairly new to this office and is throwing his weight around a bit. Jerry throws back. The one great thing is, Every job Jerry has gone out on for these people. The people who he worked for, asks that he be sent back to work another day. Since we know Ready Labor is charging more than 2 to 3 times what they are paying the ones doing the work, they are making money hand over fist and then some.

　

　

　

　

"A" Game

Ah Ha.. found out.. the "A" game is The Crimson Tide against The Crimson Tide. It's their squads playing each other.

April 13, mid day

We went job hunting this morning. Jerry put in 4 apps while we were out. While we were in the area, we stopped at Ready Labor, where he got the sign holding sign last weekend. He's got two jobs coming up, First one is going to be "VERY" interesting for him. I don't know if you follow football or not, Collage football... but this weekend is the "A" game. I know it's UAT ( Crimson Tide) but not sure who they are playing UA "some other town". Not sure if that other town is Birmingham or Huntsville. He has to show up at the stadium for Orentaion on Friday as the game is Saturday..

The other job, He goes to orentation on Sunday and the job will be one week for 12 hours a day. cleaning out large storage tanks at a paper mill. At first he wasn't going to consider that job, knowing that there could be just about anything in them. But since we were close to the office, he checked to find out if they knew what had been in the tanks and was re assured that nothing toxic. Having worked in Paper mills before, he's still being just a bit leary about it.

April 13, 2010 (am)

Hello. Not much going on around here. That's why I've not updated my blog in the last few days. Jerry was a sign holder for a Movie Gallery going out of busness over the weekend. It paid enough to cover our storage unit here in Tuscaloosa.

I found a couple more places for him to put in his app.

Still no job calls.

Still looking.

Still waiting to hear from the GA un-employment. Don't know what to do about the bills. I can't give what I don't have.

The weather has been very nice although the air is filled with pollen.

For Today... April 7, 2010

For Today... April 7, 2010

Outside my window... it's been a partly sunny, partly cloudy day all day long. Just enough clouds to keep us from baking in the camper. It got a bit warm this afternoon, but it wasn't too bad.

I am thankful for... Being able to walk the dogs around the lower levels here at the R.V. Park. From once around one level, to now being able to walk around the edges of both levels and a bit more, twice a day now.

From the kitchen... Breakfast was a bowl of shredded wheat cereal and when I made Jerry his sausage and eggs, I fixed a sausage patty for me as well. Lunch was a sandwich. I shared my crusts with the dogs. Dinner was beefy rice-a-roni and two cheese hotdogs. I made up some instant chocolate pudding earlyer today and that will be our later snack. Might fix a pan of popcorn later, as well. I'm drinking at least 1/2 gallon of flavored water a day, plus more. I really should keep track of how much I'm drinking as well as what I'm eating, again.

I am wearing... Blue shorts and my purple flowered top.

I am reading... I didn't do much reading today, just some emails.

I am hoping... That Jerry can get a job soon so we can quit fighting for what little un-employment he's getting. He needs to make phone calls on that again tomorrow. Maybe even go to the careers center and have them help us out as well.

I am creating... I worked on my camper embrodrey this afternoon. I got the hitch area of it finished up. I am thinking of using some of our t-shirts with pictures as blocks on the quilt I want to make, as well as the blocks I'm working on.

I am hearing... Ghost Hunters is on. Not my favorite of shows but Jerry likes it.

Around the house... I did up the dishes this morning. Picked up some trash from around the living room and took a nap this afternoon.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Not many plans. Can't make plans until I know what's going on, money wise with us. or job wise. still will be walking the dogs each day. Suppose to rain tomorrow, so might find a way to use that to our advantage and get the pollen off the van and camper.

　

Jerry got up and went to the day labor place again today. Still didn't go out. He called B to let her know she's going to either have to pay the insurance this month or pick up for just the van she's driving this month or park it. Have no idea what she wants to do, yet.

　

Waited all day for IL to call us back. they never did. Funny how we are expected to stay by the phone all day long and still not get a call. Just because he's not working doesn't mean there isn't things we could be doing.

Need to check the mail tomorrow or Friday. We should be getting something in to show proof that the camper is ours now in the mail.

For Today... April 6, 2010.

For Today... April 6, 2010. 10 more days until my younger brother's birthday.

Outside my window... Sunny, bright and warm. So much pollen in the air that everything is Yellow and covered with it. Even inside the camper everything has a coating of pollen on it.

I am praying ... That Jerry can find a job this week, and that it's local. I'm also praying for other's who have told me they are also looking for work. For the people in Goverment saying that things are turning around, I keep hearing of other's looking for work or just laid off.

I am thankful for... A roof over our head and food for our bodies. And we even have enough to keep the dogs happy as well.

From the kitchen... Breakfast was cereal this morning. Lunch was a peanut butter sandwich, and later I also had a ham sandwich. I made some bread in the bread-maker. I forgot to spray it with oil and the bread was a bit too damp. It didn't turn ut like It should have but it was still good to eat. Jerry fixed Spegettie and meat in a jar sauce for dinner.

I am wearing... Jean shorts and a purple top.

I am reading... I finished reading Matchmaking pact yesterday. I finally read all of my Country Living magazine. There are a few idea's in it we can use, living in the camper. One thing I want to try is finging old solar lights and instead of them being ground level, set them on poles.

I am hoping... Phone calls, always hopeing for phone calls.

I am creating... I started knitting a scarf yesterday evening, while sitting outside, enjoying the shade of the camper and the evening air.

I am hearing... Watching NCIS right now.

Around the house... I had a rough night last night. up and down, up and down. and felt like I was choking at one point. I slept in while Jerry went out to labor ready looking for a day job. no luck on that either. The only thing I did today was make bread and it didn't turn out all that well. Oh, yeah, I hung up two pairs of Jerry's jeans that didn't totally dry in the dryers we used yesterday at the office. Jerry worked on the water in the back, again. Still have a leak back there. No money to really work on it.


A few plans for the rest of the week... I will need to really wipe down everything to get to all the pollen. Everything has a yellow haze to it due to the stuff. I'll even have to clean the inside of my computer since the side is off of it, to be sure not to short out the boards. More walking the dogs as well. They do so much better when they get a couple of walks each day.

　

We might put up the canopy tomorrow morning. At least the frame of it. I would like to be able to cook out on the table outside and keep the heat out on days like this one. We were in the upper 80's today.. If we put up the canopy I'm thinking of maybe making some crackers. I know that I don't have any lard but butter will work in a pinch for what I want to make. I may make cookies instead. I just don't know yet.

For Today... April 3, 2010, April 5, 2010

For Today... April 3, 2010

We went to Sprint this morning, I don't know just what was changed or how by how much it lowered our bill. Jerry didn't tell me.

Outside my window... We had thunder storms this morning and rain off an on so far the rest of the day.

From the kitchen... After shopping, I realized we forgot the season salt, yet again. So I made up some. I hope Jerry likes it on his food. I'm sure I'll find out.

I am wearing... Maroon pants and a blue top with a few sparkerlies on it.

For Today... April 5, 2010

Outside my window... (5:30) Walked the dogs and it was cool but clear. The air feels damp though so I expect it will be foggy in a bit. (7am) Well Durn. I had planned on taking a cup of coffee and sitting outside this morning, after Jerry left to look for work... and, well.. it's so foggy out that I didn't want to be out there in all that gray.(8am) The fog is finally lifting. Going to be a bit warm today. in the mid to upper 80's according to the forcaster on the local CBS and Fox T.V. Station. I may end up changing from my sweatpants to some shorts this afternoon.

I am Praying for Several friends who are going through some hard times and also Praying for Jerry to find work, today. He left here around 5:30 to go to a day labor place, he's not called my yet to let me know if he got work or not. Since it's after 8, I doubt he found work today. I think he would have called me to let me know otherwise. (8:30) Well, shucks. Jerry just called, no work for him today from the day labor place. He's headed over to Hunt to see what's going on there.

I am thankful for... A place to stay and nice weather. We have our problems for sure, but we also have many blessings as well. We have reasonable health, food to prepare, and a roof over our heads. I saw on the local news yesterday that there are many in B-ham that don't have near what we have. Sure we want "More" but I'm sure glade with what we do have, right now.

From the kitchen... Jerry had a bowl of cereal this morning. First time in a long time that He's had cereal for breakfast. I had my usual bowl of oat cereal with milk as well.

I am wearing... Starting the day in Dark blue sweatpants and a blue top with white and Red designs on it. the pants may get changed for shorts this afternoon.

I am reading... "the matchmaking Pact. An inspirational Romance. Once I finish is, I'll set it free, that is place it somewhere like a laundry mat, for someone else to enjoy.

I am hoping... and Praying that Jerry gets a job soon. That all my friends are doing well and finding their own joy in life.

I am creating... (8am) it's too early to be working on anything yet. maybe this afternoon I'll work on my quilt block. Need to take a picture of it soon.

I am hearing... Music from my computer. I want to add some more songs to my mp3 player today.

Around the house... (8am) So far, I've straighten up the bathroom. sorted the laundry and made the beds. Not bad for only a couple of hours of being up

One of my favorite things... Having the camper to "Myself" for a bit. I can spread out on the couch, turn up my music, and just do what I want to do when I want to do it, for a bit.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Got to pick up some insulin today. I'm out. Got to do laundry soon. Almost all my clothes are dirty and in need of washing.

　

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Today was not a good day

Today was not a good day. Phone calls by Jerry not answered until way late. Don't know of Tenn state offices will be open tomorrow or not increases our stress. No money, No way to go any where, No job prospects, only 1/2 the un-employment coming in this week and three weeks before next from sounds of things. rent due, phone past due, can't find a job without the phone. Need to see what will happen if we can't pay the rent on time and have to put it off for the next three weeks. which means putting off another bill.. not enough money for three weeks worth of meds for me or for grocries. don't know who to turn to for help. Our kids can't help us out at all, they are in the same shape we are in. No money to spare.